Alex Benton's biography

Note: for women only

Chapter One

I was born in Arlington, Texas. I am an only child. Growing up there in the suburbs, I often felt disconnected from Mother Nature, so I consoled myself by looking up at the night sky through my telescope. I found the manufactured environment uninspiring, so I edified myself by collecting old coins and treating them like pieces of art. I thought that school was boring, so I amused myself by teaching myself computer programming and then using my programs to teach myself math. Because of all that, I studied Physics, Business Administration, and Math in college.

However, I did not graduate until my mid-40s. Before I went back to school, I worked as a laboratory technician, a computer programmer, a technical support representative, and a lot of shorter-lasting roles. Before that, I was originally an engineering student back in college. I left school because I saw that I was going to be a mediocre engineer, and if I could not excel at work, then what is the point? For many years after that, though, I never excelled at anything. I did not know what to do with myself, after all. I spent my twenties staying out of trouble because challenges to my values were always near. I then spent my thirties wandering around trying to find myself - and I did finally succeed: I looked back into my past, admitted how bewildering my youth was to me, and remembered what I had truly promised to be.

At the moment, I am trying to start a career as an actuary. It is never too late to get moving in the right direction and to take joy in the journey all along the way. I look forward to this new career and to the security, respectability, and achievement that it will bring!

Chapter Two

Unfortunately, some people do not believe in me. It has been said that my breeding is so bad, I am probably my own father. Somebody once told me to make sure that my urologist's office has a microscope. Yet another young lady asked me how many times she had to flush before I go away.

Chapter Three

In spite of everything, I am awesome. Indeed, I am so awesome, I was named after myself. I am so awesome, 911 calls me for help. This one time, I fell into a vat of radioactive waste, and the radioactive waste gained superpowers. I am so awesome, whenever I ride a roller coaster, the roller coaster screams.

Yes, I am so awesome, the Pythagorean theorem is true because I said so. Basically, if I have a dollar and you have a dollar, I have more money than you. Given a circle, I can construct a square of equal area with a compass and straightedge. Therefore, I am so awesome, I know all the digits of pi.

Jesus may have turned water into wine, but I am so awesome, I can turn dingleberries into diamonds. Your boobs may be different sizes, but I am so awesome, each of my biceps is bigger than the other. I am so awesome, I do the impossible, and then I serve it breakfast in bed the next morning. Cleanliness is next to godliness, and godliness is next to my awesomeness.

1. In the beginning, there was nothing. 2. And I smacked that nothing upside the head and said, "Get a job!" 3. And the Big Bang happened as a result. 4. And after the strong nuclear force separated from the weak nuclear force and electromagnetism, the space of the Universe underwent a brief exponential expansion (the mechanism of which is the subject of much speculation in the field of particle physics), after which it has been expanding mainly due to inertia, as described by Hubble's law, but within the past five billion years or so has been expanding at an increasing rate, due in theory to the presence of a form of energy which remains constant in spatial density throughout the expansion and which gives rise to a repulsive force that has outmatched the attractive effect of gravity, all of this because of the sheer size of the astronomical unit in My pants.

Yes, it is time for me to be put out to stud. My dorkiness does not matter because my mind still works. My age does not matter because the astronomical unit in my pants still works. I may not be the man of your dreams, but I am the best there really is!